Stephen Films - Never Asked Questions

Having designed websites and participated on the internet for several years, I have reached the conclusion that the term "Frequently Asked Questions" is often a bold-faced lie. Of all the websites that I have designed or helped to design, I have never, ever been asked any questions about those websites. I may get the obligatory "love it" or "hate it" comments, but I get no actual, serious questions about the sites and the content that they contain.

I've come to believe that most FAQ pages are just generally-accepted ways of saying, "I'm going to post a list of questions that I have never been asked or that I know you never will ask, just so that I can clear up site issues that probably don't need to be cleared up, say things about the website that I can't find a place to post anywhere else, or make up really idiotic question and answer combinations to achieve a poor comedic effect." And to be perfectly honest with you, that's pretty much the only reason that I'm posting a list of questions on this page.

But hey, at least I'm honest about my motives. This is not a page of "Frequently Asked Questions", like many websites deceptively claim. These are the "Never Asked Questions", a convenient list of inquiries that nobody has ever bothered to ask me or that I have provided simply to achieve a really poor comedic effect.

Q: Why do you ramble so much?

A: See, I know you weren't really going to ask me that. I just decided to throw it in here to make me look like more of a geek than I already am.

Q: How do you score your movies?

A: All movies that I review on this website are scored on a scale of 5. A score of 1/2 indicates an extremely rotten movie, a score of 2 1/2 indicates an average movie, and a score of 5 indicates an excellent movie.

However, I don't score with stars, or tickets, or DVD discs, or anything else that most movie reviewers score with. I score my reviews with any item that I feel is relevant to the movie or to my review of the movie. For instace, when I review a movie like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I'll score it on a scale of 5 Hershey Kisses. The same concept goes for any other movie that I review.

Why do I do this? Because I'm crazy like that. Besides, it contributes to this site's uniquely insane atmosphere.

Q: What's the difference between a full review and a capsule review?

A: Aside from the obvious differences in review size and formatting, capsule reviews tend to be reserved for films which are no longer fresh in the public mind. I've been on the 'net long enough to know that many people, myself included, tend to read retro reviews only to find out what somebody else thinks of a movie that they've already seen. In this case, I'm sure that most readers will appreciate not having to read through a full-length article just to dicipher my general opinion on a film.

The newer the film, the more likely it will get the treatment of a full review. Any movie that is still in theaters will definitely receive a full review, and any film that has been released to DVD within the past year will most likely receive a full review. Any movie that has already been released to the public for at least two years with most likely be treated to a capsule review.

Q: What's with the "Offensive Material" ratings next to your movie reviews?

A: Having grown up in a family with strong moral values, I understand the importance for parents and people with religious convictions to beware of potentially offensive material for themselves are/or their children. Unfortunately, the problem with many ethically-alert movie reviews on the web is that they far too often reveal important plot points in the name of explaining offensive scenes, spend minimal time explaining the actual filmmaking quality of a movie, justify badly-produced movies because they contain tacked-on moral lessons, and use wild analogies to give meaning, good or bad, to a movie that really has no meaning.

From the beginning, I knew I wanted to avoid these pitfalls by writing movie reviews that focused primarily on moviemaking quaility, but I didn't want to leave behind those who were truly concerned about offensive material. That's why I created the "Offensive Material" ratings. If I feel that there's any material that really deserves being mentioned in a review, I will write it into the review itself; otherwise, I'll leave that task to my offensive material ratings.

And sure, you may say that offensive material is something that the MPAA already deals with in their movie rating system, but I'm really starting to believe that the members of the MPAA are either drunk or high when they assign their ratings. Even when they do give a movie an appropriate rating, they often do so for stupid reasons. My rating system is in place to provide an alternate assessment of the potentially offensive material in a movie.

The three offensive material scales are for profanity, violence, and sex/nudity; and a rating can be listed as either "none", "mild", "mild-to-moderate", "moderate", "moderate-to-heavy", or "heavy".

Q: Why are you still rambling?

A: I already answered that question, and it's not as funny this time. Nice try.